After Julia
by Vol lady
Summary: News of Julia Saxon's death prompts the Barkley brothers to talk together about the war and some of their demons.
1. Chapter 1

After Julia

Chapter 1

March 1881

 _[FYI - In my BV universe, Jarrod was born in 1843; Nick in 1847; Heath in 1851. In this story they talk to each other about when they went to war, and their experiences are commensurate with those ages.]_

"Oh, my," Nick said as if the earth had opened up underneath him.

Heath loaded the sack of flour he was carrying into the wagon and looked at Nick, who was reading the newspaper. "What's wrong?"

Nick looked up and turned the paper so that Heath could read the headline. "Julia Saxon is dead."

Memories flashed inside both of them. The beautiful woman from the north who became a Confederate spy during the war. The woman Jarrod had some relationship with during the war – he never really did say it, but both Nick and Heath would have bet their last dollar that he was in love with her back then, and that when she turned up in Stockton in late April 1878, she was there for him. She was practically run out of town on a rail, but then she was accused of murder. Jarrod defended her and was beaten to a pulp for his efforts, and in the end, Heath killed Worth Parker, brother to Jarrod's late friend Matt, who also had been involved with Julia during the war. Julia was innocent of the murder she was charged with – it turned out Worth had done the killing.

It was an ugly, unhappy time, and even though he would never say so, it was one that cut deep into Jarrod. It happened right after he had lost his wife Beth and, for that matter, his mind. Julia had come and kicked him when he was down.

"What happened?" Heath asked.

Nick kept reading. "She was in New Orleans – got caught in a brawl in a music hall and was accidentally killed when she was knocked into one of the footlights. It broke and cut the artery in her neck. She bled to death before anybody could help her."

It was an awful way to go. Neither Nick nor Heath had any love for the woman, but they would not have wished that fate on her. Then they thought about something else and looked at each other.

"You think Jarrod knows?" Heath asked.

"Yeah, he knows," Sheriff Madden said. He had overheard them as he was coming down the street and stopped to talk to them. "I went out there and told him about it this morning."

"How'd he take it?" Heath asked.

"Kinda stunned. He just wandered back into the house like a freight wagon had hit him. I explained to Maggie who Julia was and what happened when she was here a couple years ago, but I couldn't tell her everything. I never knew everything. I just left Maggie to take care of Jarrod."

"We maybe ought to go out there," Heath said.

Jarrod's house wasn't out of the way. Nick nodded. "We'll take the time."

"Fred, you don't think there'll be any trouble around here about this, do you?" Heath asked.

"I don't see how," the sheriff said, "unless a few people get overexcited celebrating."

"I don't think I want Jarrod to have see that," Nick said.

"If it happens, it'll be over with fast, probably by tonight," the sheriff said.

Sheriff Madden went on his way, and Nick and Heath looked at each other. Nick heaved a big sigh and said, "We better finish loading and get on out there."

XXXXX

" _Did you kill anyone in the war, Jarrod?" Julia Saxon asked him._

 _He nodded, and admitted it. "Yes."_

" _Just took some of us longer to die, didn't it, Jarrod?"_

 _Jarrod turned around to face the voice behind him. Matt Parker – twenty years old and baby-faced - stood staring at him, accusing him with his deep blue eyes, sad blue eyes that just kept asking, "Why?"_

"No! No! No!" Jarrod cried out.

Hands had him by the shoulders. "Wake up, Jarrod, you're dreaming!"

Jarrod got his eyes open and saw Maggie's face, not Matt's. Jarrod saw he was asleep in the chair by the fireplace in his and Maggie's living room, and he relaxed, groaning, closing his eyes again. "I must have fallen asleep. What time is it?" he asked.

"Lunchtime," Maggie said. "I saw you sleeping and didn't have the heart to wake you."

"I didn't mean to," Jarrod said and began to get up.

Suddenly, the baby in the nursery began to cry. "Oop, there he goes," Maggie said.

Jarrod sighed weakly. "Guess I woke him up."

Beneath the wails of Jarrod Jr. both his parents heard a wagon pulling up outside. Jarrod took a look out the window.

"It's Nick and Heath. I'll have to explain about what Fred Madden said after I talk with them."

"It's all right," Maggie said as she headed for the nursery. "The sheriff explained it to me. That's why I didn't bother you before now. We have plenty of time to talk later."

Jarrod ran a hand through his hair and went on outside to greet his brothers by the front porch. They were both climbing down from the wagon when he came out the door.

"Fred said he came to see you," Heath said. "We thought maybe you'd want to talk."

Jarrod shook his head. "It's all right."

"Yeah?" Nick said. "You look like hell."

"Just woke up," Jarrod said. "Somehow Fred's news put me to sleep." He chuckled at that, and then he said, "You want to join us for lunch? We're planning to eat as soon as Maggie feeds the baby."

"We'd better get on home," Heath said. "We just wanted to be sure you were all right."

"I'm all right," Jarrod assured them.

"Well, if you need somebody to talk to – we might be able to help you out. We met her at least. Maggie didn't – and it might be a little tough talking to your wife about an old lover."

Jarrod shook his head. "I don't think we'd have a problem, but thanks. If I need you, I know where you are."

"Then we'd better get these supplies home," Nick said. "Give our love to Maggie and J. J."

"I will," Jarrod said. "Give my love to Mother."

His brothers climbed back into the wagon and drove away as Jarrod went back into the house.

Fred Madden had brought a copy of the newspaper with him when he came by that morning, and it lay open on the kitchen table, Julia Saxon's story on the front page. Jarrod caught sight of it and read it again. He didn't even notice that the baby had stopped crying. Somehow, looking at this story seemed to blank out the whole world around him.

" _Did you kill anyone in the war, Jarrod?" Julia Saxon asked him._

 _He nodded, and admitted it. "Yes."_

The war. The war and Julia. The war and Julia and Matt Parker. The thoughts sent Jarrod's head spinning. He decided he had to let them all spin off into the air and try to be some help for his wife. He set about getting some food on the table for lunch.

Maggie came in with J.J. in the makeshift sling she'd made to both carry him and make them both comfortable while she nursed him. J.J. had already learned to spend most of his time sort-of-crawling on the floor, but when it was time to eat, he was just a little baby again and was too heavy for Maggie to hold for a very long time – hence the sling. Jarrod smiled at his wife's ingenuity, and how beautiful she looked when she was nursing their son.

 _My son,_ Jarrod thought as he touched J.J.'s black hair and kissed Maggie. Yes, J.J. was all right as a nickname. "Nick" name. Jarrod laughed a bit at that, since it was Nick's idea. "You sit down and take care of J.J.," Jarrod said. "I'll get some food on the table for us."

Maggie headed for the chair Jarrod had vacated. "Nick and Heath couldn't stay?"

"No," Jarrod said as he went back to the kitchen. His voice was a bit louder as he said, "They just wanted to make sure I knew about Julia."

"Did they ever meet her?"

Jarrod remembered the meeting at the house and hesitated. It was not a friendly meeting. Nick was downright hostile, and as far as he knew, that was all he and Heath ever had to do with her. He never told them that he had been in love with her once, but no more. He had never told anyone that Julia was still in love with him when she came to Stockton, but his family probably figured that out. His mother definitely did. "Briefly," was all Jarrod said to Maggie about it.

"Do you want to stop talking about her?" Maggie asked.

Jarrod smiled. Maggie could read every inflection he ever had in his voice. "Yes," he said, came back into the sitting room and kissed his wife on the top of her head. "I just want to enjoy an afternoon with my wife and son."

"No work today?" Maggie asked.

Jarrod just did work for the family now. It was less work, less stress, and it allowed him more free time to relax with his family. Which he admitted to himself, he needed, because his angina attacks were becoming more frequent and he wore out a lot more quickly during the day. His weight was sneaking up on him, too, and now and then he felt a rumble in his breathing. He figured Maggie noticed. He just hoped no one else did.

"No work today," he said. "Just the three of us."

J.J. gurgled, as if he liked what he heard. His parents laughed softly at his editorial comment.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

" _Did you kill anyone in the war, Jarrod?" Julia Saxon asked him._

 _He nodded, and admitted it. "Yes."_

Jarrod woke up fast, before that dream could complete itself, before Matt Parker came into it. He was in his own bed, his wife beside him. He sighed heavily.

Maggie rolled over in bed. "Are you all right?"

"Just dreaming," Jarrod said.

"You've been crying out in your sleep."

Jarrod looked at her, saw the concern in her eyes. "Don't worry. I'll be fine in a while."

She still looked concerned, or maybe it was more like she looked unhappy for him. "Do you want to talk about Julia Saxon? I take it she was your lover once, but it doesn't bother me if you need to talk."

"It bothers me," Jarrod said. "And it's not so much about Julia as it is about the war."

"Then talk to Nick and Heath," Maggie urged. "You really don't need these nightmares dogging you."

"Tell you what. If the nightmares continue tomorrow night, I'll talk to Nick and Heath. Okay?"

Maggie kissed him. "Okay. The sun is starting to come up. J.J. will be calling for me soon."

"Hungry little devil, isn't he?"

"He's a big boy and getting bigger," Maggie said. "But let's try to get a little more sleep."

Maggie snuggled against her husband, and he put an arm around her. Jarrod didn't sleep, but it made him relax to feel Maggie fall asleep beside him. She needed rest more than he did, what with J.J. still calling for her for nursing or changing at all hours. They had gotten a housekeeper right after J.J. was born, but Mrs. Borland had left and and they never replaced her. Now it was really becoming a necessity again. _I need to get a housekeeper in here, at least during the day,_ Jarrod thought. _Maggie needs help. I'll start looking today._

XXXXX

Jarrod went into town alone later that day, after telling Maggie about his plans to find a housekeeper. She gave half a grunt about it, but then decided it was a good idea. Jarrod mounted up just after lunch and thought along the way about who he might see about helping them out. He knew they needed someone who was comfortable around babies, and who could keep house.

He didn't tell Maggie about the first stop he planned – to see Dr. Merar. Fortunately, there was no one waiting to see the doctor, and he came out into his waiting room as soon as he heard the door open and close.

"Jarrod!" he said and extended a hand. "it's good to see you! How are you?"

"I want to talk to you a little about that," Jarrod said.

"Come on in," Dr. Merar said and went with him into the examining room.

They sat down in chairs there. Jarrod said, "I'm doing all right, but things do seem to be getting a little worse. I'm putting on weight even though I'm not eating that much. I get a rumble in my chest when I breathe sometimes."

Dr. Merar nodded. "Angina attacks worse?"

"More frequent. I saw Dr. Lumen in San Francisco a while back. He didn't think I was ready for digitalis yet, but I wonder."

"Digitalis isn't a fun drug. It can be difficult to figure out how much you should take. It can make you dizzy, and some doctors think it tinkers with the potassium in your blood – not a good thing. If we give you too much, it can kill you. And with you, there's another issue, a big one. It can cause total amnesia."

Jarrod felt a jolt go through him. "Amnesia?"

"It's an odd side effect," Dr. Merar said, "and one we have to take seriously since a few years ago you had that head injury that gave you amnesia for a week. Since we don't know much about why amnesia happens or why it happens with digitalis – I think we have to assume you'd be at a greater risk than most if we put you on digitalis."

"Dr. Lumen didn't mention that."

"He didn't know you had amnesia before, did he?"

Jarrod shrugged. "No. I never thought to tell him."

"Well, it's something you have to think hard about. Digitalis could give you a few more months of comfort and life, but there could be a steep cost."

Jarrod nodded and mulled all that over as Dr. Merar listened to his chest and lungs and check his feet and hands. "So, what do you think?" Jarrod asked when the doctor was finished examining him.

"I think I'd like to wire Dr. Lumen and get his opinion before we rule digitalis in or out. He and I just refer to you as 'Patient 211' when we communicate, so the telegraph operators don't know we're talking about you. There are some new concoctions on the market – fellow in Kansas, of all places, has come up with a mixture of digitalis and iodine to ease the concerns about potassium loss. But digitalis just isn't something to be taken lightly, especially by you."

Jarrod understood Dr. Merar's concerns and was actually grateful for them. "Well, talk to Dr. Lumen about it, see what you think, but frankly, amnesia is not something I want to face again, especially if all I'm going to get out of it is a few more months."

"I can understand why you feel that way."

"I can still breathe just fine almost all the time, but if there's a way to get this water off me, I'd appreciate finding it."

"Are you still taking those diuretic pills I gave you?"

Jarrod nodded. "They're just not working as well."

"You can increase them to two a day, see if it helps. And we'll talk again after I hear from Dr. Lumen. How are you sleeping?" he asked out of the blue.

"Not so great," Jarrod said.

"Symptoms keeping you awake?"

"No, no. It's something else entirely. I don't know if you heard, but Julia Saxon has died. I've been having nightmares."

"Oh. Well, the best thing for that is to talk it out with someone," Dr. Merar said, remembering how he had to treat Jarrod after he'd been badly beaten for defending her. "I'm available if you like, but I didn't serve in the war. Your brothers did. Maybe you ought to talk to them."

Jarrod nodded. "That's becoming more and more likely. Listen, would you do me one other favor? Don't talk to anybody in my family about the digitalis question. I don't want them to know, because the more I think about it, the more I don't want it."

Dr. Merar nodded. "Whatever you want."

They parted company and Jarrod went on his way. He had given a lot of thought to how he was going to search for a housekeeper, and he decided to start with Mrs. Ailey. She was a midwife and had helped deliver J.J. and a lot of other babies around town, and she had recommended Mrs. Borland. Maybe she'd know someone else. It was worth a shot.

What he had forgotten was that Mrs. Ailey had been widowed in the war, when she was young and before she'd had any children. She was alone in the world, thanks to the war. Just remembering that when he saw her face made Julia's face come back to him, and he suddenly found himself tongue-tied when Mrs. Ailey answered her door.

But she laughed about it, invited him in and they talked for a few minutes. She agreed to talk with several women she knew to see if any would be interested. She would give him names in a day or two.

Jarrod was grateful for the help, and he left town feeling better about both his health and the housekeeper search, but uneasy again because Julia and the war kept invading his head. He was also uneasy about talking to his brothers about it – he hadn't talked to them about it even when Julia was here - but Dr. Merar's suggestion made sense. It was probably the best answer to an ugly question.

 _I loved you, Jarrod. I still love you._

Julia's voice from not so long ago came back to him as he mounted his horse and started out of town, but he did not love her. He hadn't since the war, since Matt. Everything started whirling around in his mind and dammed if it didn't cause his chest to start to clench. It wasn't awful, but it did double him over a bit. He didn't stop to deal with it until he was out of sight of town.

He hadn't planned on his brothers coming into town. They came across him while he was stopped and trying to breathe through the pain. They stopped.

"Jarrod, you all right?" Nick asked.

 _Oh, damn, why did they have to come by now?_ "Yeah, I'm all right," Jarrod said and straightened up. "Just my dammed heart – "

Heath started to get off his horse.

Jarrod shook his head, stopping him. "It's all right. It's passing. Where are you boys off to?"

"A little drinking and a little poker after a hard day's work, before we meet the ladies for dinner at seven," Nick said, sounding flip but looking concerned.

Jarrod chuckled, but his chest hit him again, and he started to double over. This time Heath got down and came to him, made him dismount and steadied him as he got to a rock to sit down. More stable there than on a horse, Jarrod reached inside his coat, got a handy little devil pill out and put it under his tongue.

Nick dismounted and tethered all the horses while Heath stayed with Jarrod. Nick and Heath looked at each other while Jarrod's eyes were closed.

" _Did you kill anyone in the war, Jarrod?" Julia Saxon asked him._

 _Dammit, woman, go away! Can't you just leave me alone finally?_

Jarrod groaned out loud, not from the pain but from the memories, but Nick and Heath misinterpreted.

"Jarrod, do you need the doctor?" Heath asked.

"No," Jarrod said, his eyes closed. "Just saw him a little while ago. This is easing off. It's just – Julia. The war."

Now they understood. They gave Jarrod a little while to get himself back to normal, and the pain did pass fairly quickly after he took the pill. Jarrod began to shiver as it did.

"I think you need somebody," Nick said.

Jarrod looked around. This was as good a place as any. "Yeah, I need you."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Nick and Heath looked at each other as Jarrod looked at them, and Heath sat down on the rock beside Jarrod. Nick sat down on another one, a little lower, in front of them. They knew he wanted to talk, but they didn't know how to start.

"You know, we all went to war, but we never have talked about how it affected us much," Heath said.

"Not exactly something I care to remember," Nick said.

"Me, either," Jarrod said. "Seems like we only talk about it when some disaster hits – like when Matt Bentell came, Heath – or that mess with General Alderson, Nick."

Nick and Jarrod eyed each other. Was Nick still angry about Jarrod's role in bringing Alderson to justice? Nick wasn't even sure, and it showed in his eyes. Jarrod looked away.

"I don't know," Nick said, and he fumbled after that. He didn't know how he felt about talking about Alderson, or the war, or any of that.

But Heath saw Jarrod look away and knew his oldest brother really needed to talk, but he probably didn't know how to do it. Jarrod was never one to talk much about what was going on in his life even in the present. He kept himself private. He hardly mentioned the war at all, not even when Julia was here.

"You know, I was just a kid when I went off to join up," Heath finally said quietly. "Last of the war. I was just 13." He chuckled. "Must have been out of my mind. Just thought I was so tough, so indestructible. Got over that in a hurry."

Heath opened up more easily in general than either of his brothers were apparently going to. It was more in his nature – or maybe in his training, something he learned from his mother, Leah. Nick was still hesitating. Jarrod's eyes were closed, and he was still recovering from the angina pain. He didn't know how to start talking about what he needed to talk about.

Nick finally decided that whatever was holding him back – whether it was Jarrod's participation in the Alderson fiasco or something else – he really needed to help his older brother now, not blame him. "I was only 17 myself," he said quietly. "I think Father weaseled me that post as an aide, just to keep me out of the line of fire. I only served '64 and '65. Saw too much, though. Too many kids, practically skeletons from lack of food. Some of them would yell out in their sleep. Most of them would cry before they went to sleep. One of the kids in our outfit just out and out died in his sleep one night. Cried himself to sleep and then just died. I found him in the morning, just dead. Just dead. I wasn't any more than I kid myself. Saw that face and it looked like mine. Did some crying of my own." Nick's eyes clouded over at the memories.

The silence got heavy. Heath said, "I got too close to the firing. One battle and I was ready to quit, but the file closers had something to say about that. Used to whack you in the back with those swords of theirs. Would just out and out shoot you if you didn't go forward. I really wanted to run more than once. Even tried once. Turned and stepped right into the face of one of the file closers. I was so scared - let's just say I had to get my pants off as soon as that charge was over. After that I got stubborn. After a few more battles and a few whacks, and you weren't going to keep me out of a fight. I was a fightin' machine. Guess that's what we supposed to turn into – fightin' machines. But then came that prison camp." Heath swallowed. "Lots of skeletons there - kids dying in their sleep, too, Nick. Kid after kid. Sometimes I still see them in the dark at night."

Jarrod looked up, seeing the bad memories in the faces of his brothers. God, it hurt. Maybe he was just being selfish, agonizing so much over his own experiences with Julia and Matt. But Nick looked up at him and said, "Tell us, Jarrod. Maybe your nightmares are different than ours, but they're still nightmares."

Jarrod finally joined in, quietly. "I was 18. Served start to finish, in the field for a while until I got wounded at Antietam at that Cornfield, in the arm – I got lucky, ball went straight through without hitting bone and it didn't get infected. God, how many men weren't that lucky that day."

Jarrod grew silent. Remembering the worst day of the war was bringing images into his mind that he didn't want, rows and rows of bodies lying where rows and rows of corn used to be. He couldn't make the pictures go away.

Nick and Heath looked at each other, afraid Jarrod was going to stop talking. How could they keep him going until he got to the real problem – Julia?

Jarrod glanced up at them while they weren't looking at him. He saw the concern in their eyes. He took a deep breath and went on. "I was in the hospital in Washington for a while when I got transferred to a staff position there, then I went back out with the colored cavalry late in the war. Most of those men left their families behind in slavery. I wanted to help them earn freedom for their families. A lot of them only earned a grave."

 _Did you kill anyone in the war, Jarrod?_

" _Just took some of us longer to die, didn't it, Jarrod?"_

Jarrod squeezed his eyes closed again.

"Talk about it, Jarrod," Heath said. "Talk about Washington."

Jarrod shook his head. The words wouldn't come.

"What can be so bad you can't tell us about it, Pappy?" Nick asked.

Jarrod hesitated, did not open his eyes. Finally he just said, "Everything." Then, after another hesitation, he said, "Matt."

"Jarrod, you're not responsible for Matt Parker's accident," Nick said.

"Wasn't an accident," Jarrod said.

"What did you do that killed Matt Parker, Jarrod?" Heath asked.

"I introduced him to Julia Saxon," Jarrod said. "I met her while Matt and I were both in Washington. I knew she was in love with me, and I was proud of that. I was proud to introduce her to Matt – and she targeted him because she couldn't target me anymore."

Nick and Heath looked at each other. Nick said, "You didn't know she was a spy. You didn't know what she was going to do. You can't blame yourself for any of that, any more than I can blame myself for what happened at Mayville."

Jarrod looked up at him. "And have you stopped blaming yourself for Mayville?"

Nick hung his head. He couldn't lie to his brother and get away with it. "No. It happened on my watch. It'll always bother me I guess, but it's getting better."

Heath said, "It's the same for me, Jarrod. I'm dealing with that prison I was in because you all talked to me, you listened to me. Let us help you. The only way to get better is to talk it out."

They got stalled. None of them knew what to say next.

Nick finally said, "I allowed an entire town of people to be killed in the war."

Jarrod immediately shook his head. "You didn't allow it. You didn't know what was happening. Alderson kept it from you. He lied to you. You had no way of stopping what you didn't know about."

Nick smiled a little. "Just like you had no way of knowing that Julia Saxon was lying to you and you had no way of stopping what you didn't know about."

Heath said, "It was a war, Jarrod. It was full of lies and killing and destroying people in a million different ways. You're not responsible if Matt Parker couldn't live with being a victim of Julia's lies. You did your best when you defended him at his court martial."

Jarrod listened, but Julia's voice and Matt's voice kept drowning out his brothers' voices.

" _Did you kill anyone in the war, Jarrod?"_

" _Just took some of us longer to die, didn't it, Jarrod?"_

"Talk about it, Jarrod," Nick said. "We can forget everything you say if you just ask us to. Tell me to forget something, and my brain gets happy – it's something I don't have to go through all the trouble of remembering. We just want to help you get through this rough patch."

Heath said, "You taught me, that's what brothers are for."

Jarrod looked up. "You keep pulling that one out on me."

"It's true. I never knew how to be a brother, until you taught me how. Let us help you, Jarrod. Tell us all of it, and maybe we can get rid of these bad memories."

Jarrod sighed. "There's not much more to tell, really. I introduced Matt to Julia. She got information out of him. He was court martialed. It destroyed him."

"I thought he was acquitted."

Jarrod looked ahead, letting the road and the horses and the trees go fuzzy. _Just took some of us longer to die, didn't it, Jarrod?_ "He was destroyed. He loved her, and she used him and threw him to the wolves. And I introduced them. Showing off the beautiful woman who loved me, I introduced them. She destroyed him instead of me."

"Because she loved you, and you loved her."

Jarrod shook his head, still staring at the fuzzy wall. "And she still loved me. She told me so when she came back here. I rejected her, and she still loved me. Now she drags these old memories out of the back of my head and she just won't go away."

"When she came here," Nick said, "did you still love her?"

Jarrod hesitated. Did he? Was that what was bothering him the most? Did he love her even now? "No," he said. "I didn't love her anymore, not after Matt."

"Do you feel like you didn't get the chance to say some things to her?" Nick asked.

Jarrod shook his head. "No, that's not it. I said everything I needed to say to her when she was here. Nothing was left out."

" _Did you kill anyone in the war, Jarrod"?_

" _Just took some of us longer to die, didn't it, Jarrod?"_

"Maybe it was Matt I didn't say everything to," Jarrod said.

Nick and Heath looked at each other. Jarrod closed his eyes. What could he say now? With both Matt and Julia dead and gone, there was no saying anything to either one of them now.

Heath reached for the words inside him, and he finally spoke. "It took a lot of work for me to forgive Matt Bentell, Jarrod, and I'm not sure I ever really did. Sometimes I still remember what it was like, how much I really wanted to kill him for what he did to us – but then I look around me, at the people I've come to know and love, who love me. All the hard facts from the war, all the hard memories the present drags up, they all soften and melt away, when I see everyone around me who loves me."

Jarrod looked down at the dirt at his feet. "You're right. I need to remember that. It's – just so dammed hard sometimes."

"Nothing worthwhile is easy, Big Brother," Nick said. "You've needed to deal with all these memories and these hard facts for a long time. You can't bury them anymore."

Heath said, "Just like I couldn't heal from Matt Bentell until I faced him and everything he drug up in me. Let the bad memories out. Let us help you face them and melt them away."

For a long time, Jarrod said nothing. Then he said, "When Julia came here, it wasn't long after Beth was killed and I went off the rails. Julia came here at exactly the wrong time. Now she's died at exactly the wrong time. Life was turning beautiful for me – having Maggie and J. J. and everything I've wanted, and now – "

Jarrod hesitated. He almost said that now his heart condition was getting worse and having Julia die now was like throwing acid in his face. But he couldn't say that. He couldn't tell his brothers that his health was getting worse.

So, instead, he said, "Then she died. Julia's gone and died at exactly the wrong time." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

Heath put his hand atop Jarrod's, but didn't say anything. He just left his hand atop his brother's.

After a long time, Jarrod finally nodded. "Thanks. You're right about everything. It's just gonna take time to sort everything out again. Add it to the mix."

Nick and Heath looked at each other. Jarrod's life was a crazy mixture of wonderful things and terrible things, and it was going to stay that way. They couldn't do anything other than try to make the road a little smoother, and help him deal with the surprises that were overwhelming sometimes.

"You know," Heath said, "the war is something we all really need to talk about more. Nobody came away from that war without his demons. And here we are, we have each other, and the war is a subject we just avoided all these years except when some fiasco like Bentell or Alderson hits. When we could have helped each other get rid of some of those demons before they rose up and bit us good."

Jarrod looked from Heath to Nick. Nick just nodded and muttered, "Yeah."

Jarrod nodded as well, and then quietly said, "Thanks."

Nick got up. "Why don't we see you home? Play with J. J. a little bit instead of playing poker."

Heath smiled. "Yeah, Nick doesn't need any more sheep around the house."

Even Jarrod chuckled at that.

"There you go!" Nick said and offered Jarrod a hand in getting up. "I always knew I was good for a laugh or two."

Jarrod stood up, Heath standing up beside him. "Yeah, watching you on the floor with a five-month-old ought to do the trick," Jarrod said, smiling.

They mounted up and turned for Jarrod's place. In his mind, Jarrod left Julia there beside the road. She was gone, really gone, and nothing he could do was going to change the past that had been. What he had now was a wife and a son and family who were full of love and life, and he treasured them more than he could ever say. It was time to let Julia Saxon go forever, and live the life he had left to its fullest.

Later, at home, he watched his brothers play with J. J., and he watched Maggie laugh. He thought about his life with all its wonderful things and horrible things, but he let his mind settle on the wonderful things in front of him now.

 _Julia – Matt,_ he thought. _You rest in peace._ And he let them go.


	4. Chapter 4

Epilogue

Nick and Heath had a romp with J.J. and some coffee with Maggie and Jarrod before they left to go to town for dinner with Nancy and Suzanne. Nick was uncharacteristically quiet as they rode. When Heath asked him why, Nick just replied, "J.J. wore me out."

Heath laughed. "He's not even walking yet. Come on, Nick, what are you thinking about?"

Nick sighed. "Well, what do you think? Should we talk to the girls about moving the wedding dates up?"

"Moving them up? To when?"

"May, maybe. Maybe give Mother that double wedding she's had her eye on."

Heath pulled to a stop, and Nick had to back up to him. "Are you serious?" Heath asked.

Nick nodded.

"Why?"

Nick leaned on the horn of his saddle. "Well, there's the reason I'd tell Jarrod and the reason I'd tell everybody else."

"What would you tell Jarrod?"

Nick smiled a little bit. "That I just can't wait to – well, you know – darn it, how can you wait all the way to September?"

Heath laughed again. "There's a lot of truth to that reason, but what would you tell everybody else?"

"That I'm afraid if we wait until September and October, Jarrod won't be there."

Heath's smile vanished. "What makes you think that?"

"He's getting worse all the time. You saw it today. It wasn't the dust getting to him."

Heath didn't like Nick's thinking. "Yeah, well, he's had some worse trouble, I know, but that doesn't mean he won't be here in September."

"Heath, I'm scared."

Heath had to take him very seriously now. Nick never admitted to being afraid of anything.

"I want my big brother at my wedding," Nick said. "I want him well enough to enjoy it. Don't you?"

Heath nodded. "Yeah, I do. So, you want to talk to the girls about it tonight?"

"I do," Nick said. "You on board with this, or do you want to keep the September date?"

"I guess it kinda depends on what Suzanne wants."

When they brought it up to the girls, they gave them the reason they wouldn't say to Jarrod – and then they gave him the one they would say to Jarrod as well. Sitting at the table at dinner, dessert finished in front of them, Nancy and Suzanne looked at each other and smiled.

"We were thinking the same things," Nancy said. "We talked about it the other day."

"We didn't know how to bring it up with you two without sounding – well, let's just say we're not sure we could wait until autumn either," Suzanne said with an almost embarrassed smile. But then she said, "And we want to be sure Jarrod is there, too."

"He's had a lot to do with both of us being where we are today," Nancy said. "Let's do it. Let's see what your mother says."

Nick and Heath broached the subject with their mother almost as soon as they got home. They first said they just wanted to be married sooner, without giving her any reason, and she broke into a bright smile as soon as she heard it.

Nick quickly said, "And we talked to the girls about it, and they like the idea of a double wedding, too, but at the church, not here. Is that all right?"

"Oh, my goodness, yes," Victoria said. "But that only gives us two months to prepare!"

"Well, the way we see it," Heath said, "we have a private ceremony at the church, family and close friends only, and then we have a big reception out here, kinda like we did for Audra last year. That will be easier to plan for."

"Yes, you're right, it will," Victoria said and started thinking about guest lists right away. But then she stopped, and looked at her sons with what looked more like gratitude than excitement. "And it will make it far more likely that Jarrod will be able to enjoy it with us."

Nick nodded. "That was the main reason we wanted to do this," he said. "We couldn't imagine getting married without Jarrod there."

Victoria kissed each of them on the cheek. "But you best not say that to him," she said.

"We won't," Heath said. "We – have - another reason we'll - give him."

Heath's stuttering gave the unspoken reason away, and Victoria smiled a lop-sided smile that usually was Heath's. "I'm not sure which reason has the most truth to it."

Nick said, "Uhhhhhhh - "

The End


End file.
